October blog project - Day 16

Day 16: a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

God damnit.

I think I may have missed the distinction between this prompt, and the one for day one. But never fear, there isn't exactly a shortage of songs that can make me cry. Anything that delves too much into minor chords can make me a little misty at times.

When I was looking over the list earlier in the month, I saw day 16 and thought "What, another song?! And I blew it with that honorable mention thing too." So as I thought about what I would choose for the song, a process that didn't take very long, I ended up listening to the song in question. Yeah good job.

I ended up having a massive, sobbing blubbery snot-filled wracking cry in the shower after listening to the song. So. Song that makes me cry? CHECK.

Part of me wishes I would have written this post ahead of time, back when I was already sobby, with the slight headache that a really intense cry always brings. Today I am not feeling particularly weepy. I've been in a little better mood lately. Provera worked, and I feel in a lot of ways that it helped flush out three months of crap of my body not doing what it was supposed to do. I just feel physically better. I think my working out is making progress too, but I feel like it really didn't turn a corner until my fake period got under way.

So I'm not overly in the mood to feel weepy today. I've been willfully ignoring annoying things, like the thought that while we need to go to the local pumpkin farm and buy tons of things to decorate for Halloween, we will be doing so again as a slightly somber couple, not a family, when there will be kids EVERYWHERE. How I will practice my willful ignoring of the things I don't want to see. Where you'll get a flash of a kid, and you'll see your lost child in their face. Or all the moms (and some dads) wandering around with a baby strapped to them in a carrier. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to have my 18-month old. I was supposed to have a 1-month old, too. I don't think a whole lot about the "should haves" of my miscarriage back in January. The due date mostly went by without my notice, but occasionally a thought will creep up. The "Holy shit, that was supposed to have happened already."

A bad diagnosis. Your baby dying. A miscarriage. Infertility. Man what a load of suck. 2010 was supposed to be better. And I guess it was, on a relative scale. I can't call it a good year. It's just another year of days I didn't live in, and just tried to pass through as quickly as possible until I could get to the part of my life I want to be in, instead of this steady march of disappointments.

So on that.

Another song that makes me cry.

---

Shattered, by O.A.R.



In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

---

I know it's another song about a romantic relationship or a breakup or something, but the lyrics just get to me.

God damnit. This was shaping up to be a day I wasn't going to cry and feel terrible!